Part 1

The Intent

This blog is not meant to stir up emotions that would make one weak, but to provide strength and support when it is needed the most. If I can, you can. You MUST. Rape and the events that follow may seem to have taken control over your life, but believe me, you can change that.

Remember, you are not alone.

The Nightmare

Dealing with rape is not an easy task. And beating around the bush does more harm than good. Trying to avoid the fact that something happened is the worst way to handle it.

I was raped. It happened one evening at quarter past seven when I was searching for an apartment to move into in one of the well known pockets of Bangalore. I had to cross a construction site to get to the Apt complex, and as I took a few steps into the seemingly deserted plot of land, I was hit on the head and pinned to the ground. I was raped while I was unconscious.

Recounting the event and being able to write about it with such calmness has not been an outcome of a day’s or a week’s or for that matter, a month’s work. It has been an enduring process that is still continuing. In fact, it was my psychologist who gave me the idea of putting pen to paper, and getting started with a blog. This, she said would be therapeutic for me.  And it has been so at various levels. Let me go back to what I first said. Avoiding a problem is never the solution. And when the problem is that of rape- something which strains a person at so many levels, running away is probably the worst possible thing one can do. But this is something that I understood only after I started writing. My original reason is something that I will talk about at length later.

The morning after I got raped, my parents flew down immediately to Bangalore. It was the first time that I saw my father cry. My mother was shattered and couldn’t hold back her tears. My brother was kept in the dark about the whole thing; he was told that I met with an accident.

I felt disgusted; I kept washing my vagina, my scars, my entire body. I had put up a fight once I regained consciousness, and it showed in my face and hands. How could this all have happened to me? It was something I read in magazines, newspapers or saw on TV. It felt wrong. It felt unfair. I couldn’t stand being close to a man. All I saw was a penis when I looked towards a man. These thoughts went through my head the morning after.

The Fear

Suddenly, dawn turned to dusk and after much searching, my father announced that we must leave to see a doctor immediately. I knew what it was for, and my emotions changed instantly. My heart was gripped with fear. I sat down thinking- what if I had AIDS? Fear knocked out every other sense. I can never forget how numb I felt during the whole process- the consultations, the lab tests, the results - waiting for the results was most difficult. It took an entire day to arrive. During this day, all memories of past events were wiped clean, to be replaced by fabricated realities of a future in which I had AIDS.

I have never felt the kind of relief I did when my test results were negative. Looking back now I can only salute the people who are coping, no, living each day with courage in their hearts and the will to survive in their minds- knowing that something is eating them from the inside.

My parents were not as worried by the test result as I was. They had their heads on their shoulders, and they thought positively. Also the chances of contracting HIV after one intercourse are very small. I was told of this by a Doctor called NIrmala Rajagopalan. She gave me and my family strength and support when we needed it the most. Although the meeting barely lasted half an hour, it instilled extreme confidence in us. She was also very well versed with the problems of rape as she had dealt with many cases in the past. It was the first bit of professional help that I received and looking back now, I cannot stress how important it is to get help of that sort.

I had trouble sleeping that night. I refused to sleep because I was scared of what I might think of. I was frightened of what I saw when I closed my eyes. I was so repulsed; I felt so unclean when the incident played in my head. I tried my best to block it out. The nights were the worst. I’m so glad for the anti anxiety pills that I took. But I have to say that I’m glad I didn’t get addicted to them. Again, these pills are just methods to block a bad experience and not deal with it. My family made sure that I used them only a couple of times. The day after my test results came out; I headed back home.

 

The Change

During the whole journey, I was acutely conscious of my scars.  They were still visible and I kept hiding it with my hair. I felt that everyone who saw me knew what happened. I was ashamed and embarrassed all over again. I loathed people; I couldn’t stand being in public. After reaching home, there was a flurry of phone calls from my colleagues because I wasn’t in office for over three days. My father handled all the calls; I did not want to speak to anyone. The story told was that I met with an accident and sustained a minor head injury. It took me a while to realise that a lot of things had changed overnight- one day I was independent with a good job and a good life, the very next day I was in the care of my parents. I couldn’t stop blaming myself for the things that happened. If only I had gone searching for a house another day, if only I had taken someone along with me. So many ifs. So many things I should have done but I didn’t do. It haunted me for a while. I felt guilty looking at my parents, for putting them through all this. I remember how much- and how suddenly I used to cry the first couple of weeks. I could not believe it was happening to me! It was like an out of body experience. I felt so cut off from the real world. I didn’t talk to my friends for the longest time. And when I did, it felt strange. Like we were in different worlds, them and me.

 

 

 

The Road to Recovery

In about a week after coming back home, my parents hunted and found a councillor to take me to, a certain Dr. Rochelle Suri. I was extremely reluctant to go; I had not stepped out of the house this whole time. A journey to a psychologist seemed too much. What would I say? How could I say anything? But we did make it; my parents and I. I remember my mother crying while talking to her. I remember telling her everything, it all seemed to be a tumbling blur of words that I couldn’t connect to. But when I spoke of the incident I cried. I felt dirty and scared and humiliated. All over again.

But it was easier after that. Therapeutic, in fact. It was so not just for me but for my parents as well. The sessions pulled us through this extremely difficult time; I was also able to make some important decisions regarding my future with the help of my councillor. It is extremely important to get your life back together and not let this one event, this deranged monstrous filth take control of the events of your life. You must come out of it, stronger. You must not treat it as a scar on your soul, for no one has that power, certainly not a diseased dog on the road. Your body and emotions might have taken a blow, but never underestimate your will to survive and the power of your spirit.  Every event teaches you something, no matter how bad or nauseating it might be. And at the end of it, there are still the good things that you must be mindful of. I feel blessed that I did not die that night. I am also extremely blessed to have such strong supporting parents who did not let initial instincts of being overly protective cloud their decisions about my future. After much thought and deliberation, it was agreed that I go back to Bangalore and work, for staying at home doing nothing just made my condition worse. I needed to be occupied. Besides, I really liked my job. And though I was frightened in the beginning thinking of the prospect of going back to the city where it all happened, where my entire life was turned and torn, I cannot thank my parents enough for their strength of mind and resolve. They visited me once a week. And I have weekly sessions with my therapist which has ensured my peace of mind and has also been a source of constant support. I would once again stress on how important it is to get professional help at a time like this. Nothing else can substitute.

Dealing with the Guilt

I do not remember the face of the man who did this to me. I have tried many, many times but in vain. I cannot remember anything except being grabbed and hit; and then waking up to find someone looming over me. It was dark; my glasses were on the ground. Just when I started screaming and resisting, he was gone. I have a vague memory of his form. Nothing concrete enough to take to the police. A few days after the initial shock had subsided, I was stricken by immense fear. The man who hurt me was still at large. I could approach the police even now, but my parents believed it would not do any good. I realised and understood their fears- they did not want me to go through more than what I already had, although my father was, and still is extremely grieved and angered that he could not do anything to the man and let him get away. He would persuade me to think hard of the person- even the slightest clue, and he would take matters into his own hands is what he said. I was ridden with guilt. How could I let the creature roam loose! What if he got to someone else, why did I not remember his face! I felt helpless, angry and guilty at the same time. I grew more and more remorseful. I hope that through this blog, I can touch and help the lives of those who have undergone similar fate. I want hope to spring in the hearts of those who feel lost and abandoned, angry and dejected, depressed and confused. I want to assure them that they are not alone, and if I can come out this ordeal, then they can as well. They must. Never succumb to these sons of bitches. You may not realise it immediately, but by ruining your life and happiness, you are giving in to what they want, what they intended to do right from the very start. There will be a lot of obstacles along the road to recovery, but you must find solace in the things that mattered to you before the incident. Remember, however wounded you might be, you are still you. No one has the right to take that away.

Things to Follow Strictly

 It may be overwhelming to think about seeking help, but it's extremely important to get immediate medical attention. You may understandably be afraid that undergoing a physical exam will seem like yet another violation. But despite the urge to wash off the remains of the attack, IF YOU CAN IDENTIFY THE ATTACKER it is essential that you:

·         Do not bath or shower.

·         Do not comb or brush your hair.

·         Do not change your clothes or shoes.

Getting a medical exam, which includes a vaginal inspection and blood tests, at a hospital emergency room or other medical facility after you've been raped is important for several reasons:

·         Evidence can be collected. Physical evidence that may identify and convict your rapist can be captured and stored in what's called a rape kit.

·         Internal injuries can be assessed. Some injuries that you can't see or feel can only be detected by examination.

·         Pregnancy can be prevented. The first thing a trained doctor will do is to give you a pill that prevents pregnancy which has fewer side effects than a morning after pill.

·         Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can be treated. Your chances of getting an STD from a rape are 5 to 10%. Doctors can prescribe medicines for Chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis right away, as well as give you a Hepatitis B vaccine, if you aren't already vaccinated.

·         HIV can be addressed. Your chances of having contracting HIV from a rape are less than 1%, and likely the virus will not be apparent immediately. But if you do test positive for HIV, the treatment can be started right away.

·         Counselling can begin. Rape crisis therapists are often available for confidential counselling.